I WILL Lose It!

I slept in and woke to the sun shining. Last night, I finally got a hold of her. Her voice sounded better, a slight modicum of life peeking through the monotone. I’m going over there today, so we’ll see. I’ll go for a run before I head out. I don’t want to waste the sunshine. Maybe it will recharge me.

Bottom line, this is my life. I need to find a way to deal with everything b/c it’s not going away, not getting better. The only thing I can do is change how I react.

I have a good life, and I want to fucking live it.  

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eggmoon:

That formal feeling —
I sit upright, stare through veils,
stir empty teacups.

I wrote the other day- in one of my blacker moods. I waited to post it because it seemed so final, so fucking angry. I couldn’t do that. So it sat - at the tail end of my neuro study guide of all places on my laptop. Just lurking, reminding me of my compassionless-ness.

But.

After I thought about it, if felt worse to ignore whatever feelings take over. I have a lot of anger. Deal. So, I took some more time. Waiting for a better mood to post it. Now I can look back on that post, then read this one and remember that the anger can ease somewhat. Today was OK. Yesterday was a great day. They can come back.

Here and there, the pain eases, and a good day can peak out from the rage and pain. Remember that self.

M took me for fondue last night to celebrate V-day. When we got to our table, a dozen roses were there waiting. We spent the night laughing, being lude and goofy, eating, and just feeling good.

I have to remember the good things, otherwise the bad will never balance out. 

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Its kinda funny- in my text books they list ‘impending sense of doom’ as a possible symptom of a myriad of conditions – MI, CVA, hypovolemic shock. That always struck me as odd. Something so emotional misplaced among the pages of physiology and disease. I mean I get the whole lack of oxygen heightens your awareness and creates anxiety. 

But when I think about that symptom, it occurs to me that that has kind of been my existence for the last 8 months. Impending sense of doom is now my baseline. Imminent. Inevitable. Looming.

I just don’t know how to shake it. I wish I could make her better. She seems to be drowning in the blackness.

Just like them.

Today has been a rough day.

I took two sleeping pills last night to no avail. I lay awake staring at the ceiling for the better part of the night. When I did sleep, my dreams were haunted with vague unease and trivial loss. No surprise there really. They weren’t so much disturbing as just really aggravating. Aggravating in their predictability. I can’t escape impending doom and loss even in a drugged oblivion.

At least I didn’t dream of them. Sometimes I think that is so much worse. They are so normal in my dreams. So not dead. Just the big brothers I’ve known all my life. When I wake, I have a split second when I forget. It all rushes back in again though.

Bitterness, rage, fear, pain, maybe a dollop of loss for good measure -what a lovely recipe!

I know some people live for that split second. For me, I think the shock of reality flooding in after such a dream far, far outweighs the joy gleaned from that split second.

Still the shell of a former self, but trying to regain a bit of normalcy. I found my posts to be somewhat therapeutic here, hence I reemerge again. To stick my head out of the fog of grief and anger for a few breaths of air.

I think I’ll keep most of my posts private, as there is hardly any sense in spilling my guts in cyberspace, but I hope to find images, places and people that inspire me and remind me that healing is a gift worth working for (albeit an elusive gift). I need to realize that my grief, anger and fear for my family is something that will not diminish with time. I wish that old adage were true - but I am definitely beginning to doubt it. So, I must adjust. Protect myself from the heartache. Promote my own well-being. And learn to live … around it.

I have so many blessings- and I have to work hard to remember them. I deserve that.